bottle after bottle - let's talk
- 9:47 AM
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let me start by saying:
i chose this plies song because some people may need to hear it right now!!!
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last night - somewhere between standing on a cold ass corner by a train & passing out on a comfortable axx futon - there was a revelation made. written in invisible ink in the bible i keep in my pocket that quotes me.
why am i who i am?
my homegirl whom i wrote the 'smoking' blog about & i decided to connect after not seeing each other since election night when she was dancing on top of the city bus (or a truck) or some vehicle.
so we decided on bus boys & poets after i told her i had absolutely no funds thanks to the recent going ons - and she understood.
bus boys was it's usual: fake axx intellectuals discussing politics and religion over plates of food they know they really hate. & then there were the laptop users who can never get work done at home - so they come here to check facebook and take up space.
but you gotta love it.
but we just wanted a drink.
so we walked out when we heard there was a 15 minute wait - and hit MARVIN'S.
i told her about all the shit that's been going down in this life in the past year and a half.
she shook her head in disbelief.
then asked: who do you talk to about your problems?
me: the bartender.
i'm telling you folks, i make this life of mine look easy. i keep a few masks in my backpack to wear.
the truth is still: i am happy 95% of the time. but that doesn't mean shit ain't hard.
it just means my spirit is in tact.
so my whiskey sour was on point (in that small axx glass) & her martini was cool.
i realized i miss mingling with the working-middle class folks who keep their work clothes on after work so people can know they have a job that involves a chair and probably a cubicle.
they were all in there having fun, showing off their new scarves and hats and thin p-coats.
the thick ones are coming out in a few weeks. believe me.
it's getting cold.
and then we got on relationships & flaws.
those of you who know me know that somehow i make it through life with little worry or concern. actually none at all...except in one situation: loss.
then i have some strange feeling that i can't really define, but it's there.
strange.
so we had to explore this.
and believe me, i've been thinking about this for YEARS.
so we go grab a bottle she left at a friend's in bethesda & then hit her place in SW DC
and we start pouring and going back through the years.
her: when was the last time you remember being emotional because of a gain? getting your degrees? high school graduation? crossing into the frat?
me: none of that. damn. i was cool about it all, but none of it did anything for me emotionally.
her: do you remember the first time you felt a loss?
me: no. well...my earliest memory is from two years old when my parents split. i remember them splitting.
then i sat there, looked at at her looking at me - then i looked out the sliding glass doors, and said:
SON OF A BITCH!
that's it! the source of all my bullshit.
and it's so simple and in my face.
that's my earliest memory. and it's so random because i remember that, but that's the only memory i have from 2. the rest of them don't start until 4.
wow.
so we kept pouring the 10 Cane until we passed out.
then i found myself boarding the train with the Hill & Navy & Anacostia people.
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it's 10:00+ and in 3 hours i start shooting the first film of the weekend.
we're shooting 4 total. mine begins sunday morning @ 830am. DAMN!
too damn early.
but it's the life we sign up for, right?
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i'm taking comfort in this life. not the comfort that kills us...but i'm happy with what's going on overall.
my friends are the greatest and my family is alright. lol.
who could ask for anything more?
i know who i am.
and i know who i will be years from now.
me.
...known such sundays
- 11:36 PM
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three states 900 miles from each other in a week and a half -
and somewhere -in one of them- i caught the flu.
i'm laid up right now fxcked up, drugged up, watching tv and working on these 45 pages due wednesday.
i have two pages so far.
shxt is real.
KT wasn't lying when he wrote: pledging is life, pledging is forever!
life is hazing us everyday!
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given the circumstance, the weekend wasn't bad at all.
i touched down in fort lauderdale friday - hit a few shots before the first event
and greeted many of the friends i made between 2002-2005 and shared a few laughs, hugs, wiped a few tears from their eyes and went into the church.
that night while eating with the family - i recognized a few signs of flu
so i took about 5 advils to break the fever & then fixed two big ass cups of amsterdam gin and grapefruit juice and hoped something would work.
praise god, it worked.
saturday was awful.
aside from the folks falling out, fainting, and realizing i'd never see a good friend ever again in this life, the flu brought it's ugly ass back and even strong, so i took 4 different drugs and this time some pearl vodka. things got better after 6 hours...
then much better after 8 when i found myself kicking it with the cheerleader of my dreams who seemed to only date the head of football teams.
and the flu and all the symptoms seemed to disappear when we aligned our smiles and laughed at the costumes walking by - wondering what we'd turn into at sunrise.
what would we be?
so like otis redding sang: i've got dreams to remember.
my dreams. great dreams.
fot lauderdale @ sunset
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i was having a conversation with my bruh, @pnoty (i think it was him) about having funeral plans and death plans written out. i update mine every year. shxt changes. everyone doesnt want to remembered in a church - or maybe not even a funeral. what should we be dressed in, who should sing what? things like that.
i keep them in a book i write my thoughts in.
just in case.
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and now it's 11:47pm and i want to sleep soon.
i have a 45 pages - and outline - and plans to get together to shoot a film this thursday
& the flu
can i sleep?
god save me.
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and i have to consider going to class tomorrow.
i missed last week and we have work due!!!
GOD!!!
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pray for me folks.
and i will do the same for you.
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