keeping up with jones

i seem to do my best writing when i'm angry or sad.
i'm neither right now.

actually - in real life - i just need a hug.
you ever get that feeling? that feeling like everything is at a standstill and you're not sure what to do, which direction to walk, run or jump, and you look around for some soft chested individual, hoping they'll see the melancholy on your face and offer you a hug.

i need a hug.

and somewhere, laying on a bed with a scooby doo fitted sheet is who i want to hug me.
right now, i'll settle for don julio or jose cuervo and a conversation with my paper towel roll.

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and i think what my summer romance '03 girl said a few months ago is right on the nose:
i've fallen in love so many times with everything unsustainable that what can be great will come with sacrifice.

so i'm learning to sacrifice.
i used to live by the che guevara quote:
"i know how I love you and how much I love you, but I cannot sacrifice my inner freedom for you; it means sacrificing my self, and I am the most important thing in the world, as I have already told you."


but now i'm learning to live differently. i'm doing the unselfish.
the me i am now doesn't know greed as much as he knows sacrifice.
and i've loving that part of me. but honestly, it also scares the shit out of me.
because the folks i used to watch doing this are the same folks who sit miserably at dinner tables in buffets, across from their mate, never saying a word unless it's about the kids.

that won't be me.
i promise.
okay?
i promise.

i sit across from those people, staring in amazement, wondering when they exhausted all possibilities.

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side note: all the birth control pills in the hoods have been swapped for tictacs. BAN ALL PINK AND YELLOW PILLS!
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i spend 10 minutes tonight with my grandmother, discussing lottery tickets, and family members. it was an in and out visit to my hometown & i never go and not see her. she's among my top 5 favorite people.
and now she's part of the reason i need hug, as well.

she's going through the cycle of old age, and memory loss, and so much has changed from the woman i used to wake up to in the living room with a plate of fried eggs, bacon, biscuit, fried apples and apple butter sitting there.
she's the reason i love coffee. i must have been the only 4 year old on the block drinking full cups.
it's amazing i'm as tall as i am.
i love her. but it hurts sometimes to see her now.

so i need a hug.

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i did not like the man part of me was becoming, so i cut his hair and threw away the old clothes.
and the man i am now - i treat him like a partially wanted girlfriend...but i love him just the same.

i think the two of us are waiting on summer. at least spring.
or at least sunday.
i want my spirit back.

there was something about me being an axxhole that excited the world.
they loved to hear me showing up.
this square i've become is just as fun - but not to them.

they lied: you can go back home.

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remember being 9 years old and the lunch tables being integrated.
shxt was so innocent then.
life was easier. lunch money was the hardest thing to come up with.

now we're worried about making rent - bill money - etc.
this is that middle section of life they never teach us about.
that part they leave out in sex education.

i want to go back to the integrated lunch tables and little girls like lashay breckinridge rocking the fat double strand twists on the playground so i could make fun of her. (we became friends in middle school).
i miss learning what "bastard" meant then calling the girl that would later become my good friend a bastard repeatedly until the school had to call her dad to pick her up from school because she was crying to hard. they couldn't do anything to me because i used it in the right context. hahahaha. (8 months ago she killed herself and i miss her)
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and now i'm learning not to act on impulse.
9 months ago if i felt like i needed a hug, i would have went to my secret flight website, booked me a flight to nassau and sat on a beach for 4 days until god spoke a few words through my pen and gave me that moment of clarity.

and in a low rumble beneath the water he'd say:
you can go home now.

and i'd buy some sheep tongue soup and head home.

but now i sit here and write to you.
i let you in.
i do what pee wee herman did in the porn flick theater: i expose myself.
if you're gonna keep up with jones, i want you to know me through and through.
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today: january 29th, 2010: i will be at a happy hour on u street, giving money at the bar that will go toward haiti relief and my liver. supporting both.
come join me.

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and i'm not sure if god will speak to me tonight.
but i will speak to him.

when you have one request of god...what is it that you ask for?

"make me good, god. but not yet."

so i turn on my tv last night and i see ol' boy from the old (now irrelevant) group CITY HIGH on INTERVENTION because of his alcohol problem. what the hell is that about. and i felt bad for a little bit, then i was like "what the fxck is wrong with you?"
you once had a little, and now you're drinking what's left of your fame away? cool. pass the bottle.

(okay...i know the above rant may have made no sense, or it was stupid...but you're still reading, so cool)

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so i was having a conversation with my boy on being comfortable.
so many fall into this comfort zone & become afraid to leave it.

90% of my friends are in this zone.
every time i leave one place for another, i hear: "you need to settle down somewhere."
why the fxck would i want to do that. so i could be like the rest of world, unable to leave, never looking up or down?
fxck that. that's a depressing life.
i do not have what it takes to wake up at 5am to be at work by 8am and dedicate my time to making my boss's dreams come true, and taking care of mine on the weekend.
i have not found any COMFORT in that thought.

and i am not knocking those who do it.
it's just not for me.
i'd die.
i've tried the suits, smiles, offices & classrooms.
i'm happier with my coach class seats and suitcases & duffles.

do not get comfortable, folks.
look up every once in a while and notice the things hanging from the ceiling.
notice the new blades of grass.
and if you sit still for just a second, admire the squirrel's heartbeat.
then go!
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relationships, i've found, are rather odd. not mine, of course, but other folks. i hear the stories and watch from afar, and i just laugh at some of the stupid shit couples do, say, or contemplate.
what's also funny is when women & men get mad when someone's looking hard at their mate. WHY?!
who wants to be with someone that no one wants to strip down naked and take full advantage of?
i mean - FINE! YOU be the only one that's attracted to 'em.

but for the modern socialite: date only those who've been stalked at least once.

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i don't know if you know - but: i fxcking love oodles of noodles (maruchen are the best brand) & today while at giant they had 60 for $10 - so of course i had to stand there and contemplate, look at my basket - then back at the noodles.
60 packs of noodles
oh! and potato bread was buy one get one free. so woo hoo!

and i hate to be late, but : WHEN IN THE HELL DID THEY START CHARGING 5cent FOR BAGS at the grocery store?
the convo went just like this:

cashier: how many bags did i give you?

me: five. why?

cashier: i forgot to tell you we charge 5cent per bag.

me: well, you better put all this food into one bag.

cashier: hahahaha.

me: give me a receipt for these bags, please. i will be returning them.

and then i walked my broke a** up outta the store.

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i was going over the numbers (money sent to haiti for relief & rebuilding) and i'm loving what i see.
i sent a tweet saying "stop sending money to haiti"

let's see what's going to be done with the funds we sent over there so far.
much less than half the money we sent to haiti could be used repairing new orleans schools and communities so families can move back.

and i'm all for holding hands across the world, but what's more important to me (at this moment) are those whom i have to live with. the money sent over can more than rebuild better structures. what we need to do now is work on educating the communities in the effected areas, teaching them how to sustain their communities.
fuck france for coming & going.

(if above photo is not funny to you or you think i am insensitive, then feel free to comment or kill yourself. lighten the mood folks)
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so next week, new york shall find me again - fast pacing it through the parks and streets.
holding midnight cyphers on the brooklyn bridge with a crowd egging me on.
let's make it happen.

there are straws i keep in my bag.
every so often, i toss them at joe (my fake camel).
and a few weeks ago i dropped one of my straws from the second floor window onto joe's back & injured it (joe's back - not the straw).
i guess that was the straw that broke the camel's back

so it's time for me to be out.
(was that above line corny? yeah?! okay).

side note: school is still in effect. i'm transferring. if you've been keeping up with me, you already know my feelings about my current institute of higher learning.

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quick blog point:

celebrities and their lives:
i used to give a fxck. now i give a fxck less.

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this is why members of omega psi phi should not be allowed to teach at a public or private school.

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but i would like to touch on this!
how in the hell could hampton university allow this to happen!? and then...look at the black girls' faces in the picture.
here's what they're thinking:

black girl in pink: it's cool. i've always thought of hampton as a white institution for higher learning anyway. we're just making strides int he right direction.

black girl in white: this is really gonna fxck up my social life. who's gonna wanna run train now? i guess the golf team is still up for grabs.

girl in black: i knew i'd lose...but damn, to a peckerwood? that's fucked up. my mama told me to go to famu. damn damn damn.

white girl who won: i beat all these bitches. ha ha ha. first we re-gentrify neighborhoods. now hbcu's. next: the white house.

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oh: my my found me on facebook. it's time to delete the account. 3 more months, then bye!

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bob dylan said:
I think the truly natural things are dreams, which nature can't touch with decay

peace.