keeping up with jones

i just finished my nightly workout sort of - just 200 more crunches to go.
i was sitting on the inclined press & thinking & listening to lauryn hill
and i decided i didn't want to be a slave any more.

fantasy is what people want - reality is what they need,

the last few years of my life have been kinda complex.
not the cliched bullshxt people are always spitting out like:

"oh my god. my life is so hard. you don't know what i've been through. so-and-so died, and my mom isn't paying for my education, and my dad isn't in my life so i blame him for all my bad relationships."

but the shit that's just ridiculous.
i'm often an asshole. not the kind that does shxt like kanye west, carrying around an ego the size of victoria lake - but the kind that just hates ignorance.
i've called people out for not being able to read properly at 18+ years old. i've laughed at those who expected applause at high school graduations. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GRADUATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL - it deserves no true applause.

but in the same breath - i am a people pleaser.
i love to make sure others are happy.
so how the eff does that work?

i'm not really in the business of trying to figure it out - but i am in the business of abolition.
so i'm no longer a slave to that.

i'm done with making others feel good at a sacrifice to self.

so, don't get me wrong: i will make people happy as long as i'm not at stake. feel me?
i won't do it for you if it's going to make me unhappy.
too many times i've found myself in some odd location, upset because i didn't want to be there - but i came because i didn't want to hurt feelings.

won't happen again.
the conversation will go like this:

you: wanna go eat pureed bat nipples with me tomorrow in virginia?
me: no. bye.

-----

side note: never ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.

-----

and now to the real deal and a mild confession:

when i was at the great bethune-cookman college i did a few things that my mom would look at me funny for if she found out.
there was this gorgeous girl that every dude was after - and she was only after me.

blah blah blah (this is in place of a real story - a long story)

and we did it.
the camera set up in front of my bed didn't help the situation.
she suggest that we turn it on.
i did.

she suggested positions, and acts, and we did them all.

blah blah blah

one of the bruhs found the tape hidden deep in a chest.

blah blah blah

the tape was sold on the campus for pennies.

so this is my apology to her:

dear blah,
i apologize. i would like to take you to dinner on october 23rd and make it up to you somehow.
you know how to find me if you accept this offer.

me.
-----

and i will close with this:
the truth is, people would rather be lied to.
the truth shall set you free - but it will fxck you up first.